I feel like I am not loved. No matter how many times I’m assured and reassured, it only makes a difference for a moment, because because of my fears and the voices I think they’re lying and before I can blink I’m back to thinking it’s all a lie. I feel hopeless. And as much love as i try to give out I know I’m a hypocrite for not believing like I should. I hate that- the hypocrisy, the being scared, the thinking that the people I love are nothing but liars, and most of all, I hate that I’m pretty much just waiting for them to walk out and leave or finally admit they actually had been lying. It’s torture. I want it to stop. I just wanna be loved for real and know it and feel it completely and truly in my bones and in every fiber of my being and soul. It’s one of my biggest wishes I’ll always carry with me. I don’t wanna be abandoned anymore. I don’t wanna be ruled by the voices in my head. I wanna be pretty and perfect and in control like everyone else. I wanna be like them, not so different anymore. It sucks being reminded that you’re the shortest, being told you’re stupid and “special” and told how annoying you are. It hurts, every time. All the words and insults are a new slice through the skin. Then what do you do when your blades are taken away? When you’re supposed to stop, told to? It makes it worse, because you don’t have the same relief. Try the other methods that are supposed to help? Sure, but when the time comes you forget, or just straight up deny it.