Is it MY fault?!

I don’t even know where to start. I’ve been picked on for the way i used to dress and have been called names that still haunt me to this 3542fsdf_2very day such as flat chested, ‘too’ skinny, walking stick, etc.

I went through a phase where I used to eat until I felt sick because everyone calls me skinny. Some call me ‘too’ skinny and it really hurts. Sometimes I think about starting that again because I feel like a walking skeleton. Especially since recently I haven’t been able to open my mouth properly so I didn’t eat for ONE day and my mom said I looked skinnier already. I really don’t need to get any skinnier.
I always feel left out no matter what! There could be 4 people and some how I still end up getting left out. I’m the ‘friend’ that walks behind everyone in the group, by myself. I don’t really have any friends of my own, I just hang out with my sisters friends. I don’t have a best friend either so I feel like i can’t trust or rely on anyone.

When I was younger I thought I was adopted because I always felt as if I don’t belong with my family and that they don’t love me. I even remember asking my mom if I was adopted and she asked me why. All I said was I don’t know but in my head I was thinking it was because I’m not loved and I feel like I don’t belong. Sometimes I still feel like I don’t belong. They used to go out and I ever went just because I didn’t feel like getting left out and in reality, if I went or not, I still felt left out.

In school I just feel like sitting by myself because then I would actually have an excuse for being by myself. There are all these cliques I feel like i don’t belong to any single one of them! Everyone has their best friend or a group of close friends and I have no one at all. If I do sit with my so called ‘friends’ no one talks to me anyway so I feel like what’s the point? I feel so lonely in a crowd and I don’t feel lonely at all when I’m by myself. Sometimes I don’t like to be by myself though because all these thoughts and memories come rushing to my head I just want to break down and cry.

I remember this one time my sister missed the bus so I had to catch the bus by myself and when I got off I asked this kid if I could borrow his cell phone to call my sister and he just laughed and literally ran away. A thousand thoughts ran through my head at this moment. I had to walk home y myself and I have anxiety and whenever I would pass a house I would think that people were looking at me through their windows. I’m scared of my own shadow and I can’t handle walking home by myself. Just thinking abut it now makes my heart beat and me wanting to cry. As soon as I got into my house I broke down and started to cry. I couldn’t handle it!

I hate walking through the halls at school because I feel like everyone is watching me and just staring at me. Whenever someone laughs or says eww I swear they are talking about me. My shoulders lean forward naturally because of my lack of confidence and my anxiety. Because of that it has caused so many problems for me. I have tight muscle and it causes my jaw to click which has recent made my jaw not able to open all the way as I mentioned earlier.

I’ve changed school multiple times and it’s really hard for me to automatically click with someone let alone just make a friend. I’ve recently changed schools and had to leave my best friend and she has moved. We’ve lost connection and she found a new best friend. Thinking about that makes me feel like I’m replaceable and just a boring person. I’m just another brick in the wall even though i=I don’t want to be. I don’t stand out at all and I’m not pretty. I’m the ugly sister and friend. I don’t have any talents at all. Everyone is better than me. I’m not the smartest, I don’t dress the best, I’m not the best looking, I can’t sing, I’m just not good at anything. I never go anywhere and it hurts me even more that my sister is always going somewhere.

Bullying has got to me so bad that I began to self-harm. No one truly knows and sometimes I even wear short sleeves around the house so my family will notice and I can get some help. No one has noticed yet and they don’t care anyway. I don’t think I could tell anyone because I feel like they’ll just think I’m looking for attention or they won’t care, which they don’t. They might even make it worse and I really don’t need that. I feel like I’m a mistake anyway. No scratch that, I AM a mistake. I’m a twin so I wasn’t planned and I wasn’t supposed to happen. My dad even says he wants to sell me as a joke but it still hurts.

There are still so many stories I have but I don’t want to bore you anymore. If have read this, well I’m sorry for wasting your time but thank you, I guess.

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2 Responses to “Is it MY fault?!”

  1. Sally | June 11, 2014 at 4:37 pm #

    Don’t give up. Your best friend for a life time is out the somewhere. And they are also looking for you becouse they are also traped. When you finally meet that person, the other shallow people around won’t matter. You will be happy, confident. Keep on living – and you will find a person that will sheld you from those evil eyes and blank emotions.
    I honestly have meet my best friend, and I have meet her when the WHOLE world around me was against me. All those people trying to distroy me. But she came up to me, and told me ” we are gonna get through this together”
    And we did. I’m happy now. I don’t have anxiety anymore.
    Keep living. And you will find that guardian angel called – my best friend

  2. Chloe | May 4, 2014 at 11:08 am #

    i dont know how old you are but i feel so sorry for you my so called friend kia who is a mega bi*** always calls me anerexic which im not i have a very fast metabolisim i nearly cry i class just because of her and whenever i walk home people slow down and stare and it is so mean how people today are so cruel towards one another! wish you the best in the future stay strong!

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