It all started the day I was born. No one can remember the day they were born, because they are only one second old, then two, then three and so on. Being born into a family with an older brother and two loving parents seems good. But what I didn’t mention was that, that brother doesn’t know that I am about to intrude on his life, and your parents, arguing day in, day out, not realising that every moment they argue, the impact on me increases by great amounts.
As I grew up all I remember is being scared to move, and scared to talk. But when I went to school things changed, it was the only place I felt free, even though I really wasn’t. I finished grade one, loving school, but because my mum had bought a house and we lived a fair distance, I had to move. Move to somewhere that people are so different, making it hard for me to fit in. Being a shy boy, it was hard for me to make friends at the best of times, but amazingly I did that and thought that my life was going to be better from then.
But it wasn’t… not seeing my dad for twelve days straight, for two week periods, year after year, got harder and harder especially seeing happy families around me, it made me wonder, “why can’t we be like that? Aren’t I good enough?” But deep down I knew that that wasn’t the case. After a while my dad and I got on a better track and that wasn’t a factor in my life anymore. For two years my life was good, a stable family, good friends and no fights… but after that, during year 4, changes started to happen in people. Social media kicked in, and wanting to fit in was greater than ever before. People started to bully me. This is where everything just got so hard.
Bullying. As much as you try to fit in, it just got worse and worse, I got threats, rumors spread about, not just to a couple of people but the whole school, and I knew it was only going to get to the point where I couldn’t handle it anymore. Gradually it continued, with patches in between where the bullying would stop and start. They would say stuff about me, that I was gay, that I’m fake, that I’m stupid… none of this was true, but this was just fuel to the fire. I put on a strong mask, hoping that it would stop and I could move on, be myself and just be free. But of course it didn’t stop. This happened through to the end of primary school.
Going into high school, I didn’t realize that people could be so judgmental. Those disgraceful words of hate towards someone they hardly know that affected me so much and hurt so much. All those things that I wanted to do I couldn’t… I couldn’t go out with the few friends I had, year 7 camp, play sports in front of lots of people, I could barely walk up to the front of my class and do an oral presentation without shaking and stuttering on my words because I knew most of those eyes staring at me were most probably judging me. I again, put on a strong front until the end of year 7 and tried to go ahead and act like I was fine.
This year I’m in year 8, I was put into a class with only two friends. I knew these friends were always there for me but still, the fact I felt like they were my only friends I could really talk to hurt. I then continued to get severely bullied, but once again, I pretended to be happy. When I met this person I discovered that they too, were bullied. We talked how bullying affected us and how much we hurt.
Growing up all anyone wants to do is fit in, which shouldn’t be hard for me, on paper there is nothing ‘physically’ or ‘mentally’ wrong with me, these are main factors people get bullied, the bully knows that these less fortunate individuals can’t stand up for themselves as much as they would want too. The only thing I can think of people may tease me about is my height, even though I’m not the shortest kid going around. I am a fun person to hang around with, I’m easy to get along with… They chose me because they saw me as an easy target. Over the years my experience with bullying continued to get worse… I was suicidal, I wanted to kill myself, those words people said just was killing me. Each insult was like a knife digging into me, deeper and deeper until it was unbearable. I had to start seeing the school councilor, my friend told the school councilor what was happening to me and wanted to see me. I went, I started to feel better. I stopped seeing her for a bit, it was then I realized I needed consistent support. Four days ago I confessed to a friend I was going to kill myself. After that I was convinced my life was going to be over and that not one person on this earth cared, or loved me. As much as I told myself there are people out there, the less I believed it, I just wanted to end the nightmare once and for all.
But now I know, death isn’t the answer I know how each person that suffers from bullying feels, I know it isn’t fair, but just think, I need to stand up for myself. I need to be me, if they don’t like it… they don’t like it. Your purpose isn’t to please everyone, it is to be you and do what you want.
If you know anyone being bullied, or you’re being bullied, take that step into claiming your life back. Don’t let those bully’s win, fight for your life and fight for those, who like me was, or is too scared to do something.