Cutting Through The Pain

I grew up in a loving, giving family. Surrounded by loving parents and a set of grandparents. I was a bigger kid growing up and always knew I didn’t fit into the clothes I wanted too. Back in elementary school all the kids used to poke my fat rolls with rulers and call me fat-so and lard ass. I always laughed along because I thought if I laughed with them it wouldn’t hurt as much. The tormenting got so bad that my parents had to send me to live with my grandparents who lived nearly a half an hour away. My grandpa was struggling with stomach and liver cancer so I moved in to help around the house. But it was the middle of the school year of 7th grade. We enrolled in classes and I started the next week. I had weighed around 150 pounds at that point which at that time I had been fairly comfortable with. The new school I started at was filled with kids who were just as mean spirited as the last but right off the bat I had met some great friends.

8th grade I met a sophmore in high school who was the star football player and I thought I was in love. We dated for a year and then the relationship went sour. It got physical and I had started with an eating disorder known as bulimia. We broke up which had nearly sent me spiraling downwards. Everyone in the school turned on me. People called me every name in the book, I was threatened a numerous amount of times to be beaten up and there was an incident where I was beaten up. One day in the girls bathroom, I had brough a box cutter with me and I looked in the mirror and I said to myself, if you can’t love yourself nobody else will ever love you. And I cut my wrists and my throat. I remeber waking up in the hospital near y house with IV’s and restraints.

My eating disorder and cutting got so much worse after that. I was down to about 100 pounds at one point in time. Wearing sweats to hide my cuts. I had to be put on home instruction because what these kids were saying about my self harm were horrible. Like” I wish she would’ve succeeded.” For 3 years I struggled, in and out of eating disorder hospitals. In and out of psychiatric wards to be put on medications for depression. I actually gained over 200 pounds from all the medications they had put me on.

And today, I am proud of where I am. What I have succeeded. I am in such a good place in my life. I attempted suicide 5 times, over these people who had no idea what they were putting me through and probably didn’t care. But if my story can help save someones life, than I want to help someone. All my life I though I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough or skinny enough….. but I am. And you are. I promise you that. I’ve lost so many friends, loved ones, even a boyfriend to suicide. I want this bullying to stop. Be you, don’t ever let someone try and tear you down just because their not happy with themselves. Remember that! Care for yourself. Love yourself. Be yourself.

– Danielle xoxox

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