When I was little, I used to always think everyone was my friend, I never worried about bullying or anything like that. I just figured it was all just happy faces, rainbows, and unicorns. Then I entered sixth grade. I didn’t understand it when I was in grade school, but then I did, it didn’t matter who talked to me, or who I tried to be friends with. I was a social outcast for reasons I’m still not sure of, I know one for sure though, I’m overweight, people look at the outer view before they even bother to look at the inside. So, that year, I started feeling more and more alone, and worthless. I had a few friends, and I would talk to them whenever I could, but then they left me for a popular group, so again. Alone. I didn’t mind it too much, or figured I didn’t, I just kind of ignored the pain that was there and kept to myself more and more daily, pulling away from everyone, letting my grades slip and started missing more and more school. That’s when things started getting worse, at the end of the year, a boy I knew from kindergarden started to pick on me, calling me ‘fat’,’ whore’, ‘slut’, ‘ugly,’ and even got his friends to join in. No one stood up for me, not even myself, I was too scared, so I just stood there and took it, I didn’t cry, I didn’t do anything.
At the end of that year, I desided to try homeschooling, to get away from all that and focus on my grades and all. So, when that started up, and people noticed I no longer was attending, they started sending nasty messages to me over facebook, and text. Again, I gave up on school and I’d just dissappere, sure, my gradmother noticed, as I live with her (My father lives in Ohio and is unable to care for me due to mental reasons, still love him, and my mother passed away in 2000 when I was two, due to a car accident) but didn’t ask of why. She re-enrolled me into my school and I started up again, and the bullying continued. I made a set of friends that were like me, depressed, bullied, outcasts. We stood up for eachother and talked about everything. We all ahd a family bond and all took care of eachother. I was alright, and happy, I found a group, I found friends.
Summer came all to fast… And again, I was alone. Noone called, texted, messaged. Nothing. Noone. It was like everyone thought I’d vanished, like I didn’t matter. So, I started cutting. At first, with a knife, later I moved to a razor. I didn’t relize just how bad I was hurting myself. I just knew I had found relief in the knife, releif from all the pent up anger and sadness, so I kept on. I cut on my forarms, my thighs, my stomach, anywhere. I carved words into my skin, that I had been called by others. When I went back to school, I was alright, or at least pretended to be. I made it till about the fifth week of school before I desided I couldn’t take it, the bullying hadn’t ended, threats started getting thrown at me, and noone talked to me anymore. I snapped, and I went to my mom, and told her I love her, and went back into my room, and cut. I put as much forse as I could into the blade and drug it right down my arm, and laid down, as I let myself bleed, I worte on a peice a paper ‘I’m sorry I’m not good enough’, and closed my eyes. After that, I hoped to die, but, really? I’m glad I didn’t. My incle had stopped by and found me, and got me to the hospital, before it was too late, and they were able to stablize me, and after they knew I was okay, they sent me to Peace River to get some more help, medication, and sort out things.
I now am in the seconds half of first term, and I’m alot better. I still get depressed, and sad, but I don’t bother cutting or other self harm tactics. If I get to that point, I draw, or write, or make a vidio, or talk to someone who I trust, family, close close close friend, or heck, even my current councler, I trust her, alot. I used to think they just pretent to understand, or pretend to want to help, and maybe some do, but alot of them want to help. And now, I’m helping my community and kids I know. I’ve even asked my school’s principal if we could start a project, to end bullying, because the Bullying Lessons arnt enough. So here’s my message for those in a dark time, sure it may seem too dark to see, but look to the bright side, and if you cant see a bright side, find the barely enough light side. It’s there. I know it is. Somewhere. The perminate solution of suiside isn’t worth putting to a tempory problem. Love you guys